1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, Year 2000.
The darkest days of my life.
I was practically living in Hell.
Nothing was going right.
As a matter of fact, everything was going wrong, falling apart.
Family, career, relationships, Health, money etc etc.
It could not have been worst.
It was also during this period that I did the most cruel and mean thing to my 2 most trusted friends - Sushi and Vicky.
I put them down.
I remember that day very clearly - as if it was only yesterday.
I remember how Vicky did not struggle or put up a fight.
He just lie there and allow himself to be injected.
I was crying and telling him I was sorry, over and over again.
I'll always remember his face as he looked at me, 'telling' me,
"No matter what you're going to do to me, I forgive you."
I wished he had bitten me a bit just as Sushi did, during the struggle.
That would have made it a bit easier.
But he did not.
And that was what made it so hard.
He trusted me, and I betrayed his trust.
Both their trust.
Imagine someone is about to kill you,
and all you do is look them in the eye and tell them,
"Whatever you are going to do to me, please know that I forgive you."
Or, if President George W. Bush and the rest of the world were to say to Osama bin Laden and all the terrorists,
"Whatever all of you are doing to us, we forgive you."
Can any of you do that?
Vicky did.
And he's a dog - a being of the animal realm.
That was total, pure, unconditional, universal love which he gave to me.
And that's also why I dedicate and wrote in my entry "Love" that animals, especially dogs, are the best teachers of Love.
Vicky knows how to love.
He knows what Compassion, Kindness, Forgiveness is.
I don't.
What a joke.
As a human, I am supposed to understand morality, have higher intelligence, but my dog surpassed me in both.
His heart is purer and greater than mine.
I am very ashamed of myself.
I did consider the option of giving them to the SPCA.
But I could not.
They were both abandoned before : Sushi - tied with a raffia string to a pipe/pillar at the void deck of a block in Bishan.
Vicky was found wandering in the park near my house on the night of Christmas Day.
For 2 weeks after I found them, I advertised in the papers, walked them, to find their owners.
I could not find the owner of Sushi but I found that of Vicky's.
They didn't want him anymore, so they just dumped him in the park.
I could not subject them to another abandonment. They would be devastated.
In addition, I could not trust anyone with them.
They were my babies.
I do not know if the next person would abuse them, neglect them, or abandon them, yet again.
I've read too many cases of animal abuse, and seen too many cases of owners giving up their pets at the SPCA, also abused and neglected.
Some have only one eye.
The vets who volunteered at the SPCA would do their best to 'save' the other eye, if possible.
But sometimes, they could not cos' the eye was too badly infected.
Due to neglect.
Others had to have one leg amputated.
Or, sometimes, they come with just 3 limbs, due to accidents and owner's carelessness.
Yet others would have wounds that were not properly treated.
Or huge patches of scalded wounds, with skin hanging.
There were also many others who were starved till their ribs were sticking out.
Some were so afraid of people. So timid. So scared.
It was not just physical abuse, but also mental and emotional abuses which these animals went through.
Yet all these animals, dogs in particular, bear no hate or resentment towards their owners or people.
There were people who would come to the pound to adopt dogs, and would laughed at them, or make cruel and mean crude jokes about them.
And to think that these people are parents who came with their children, driving big expensive cars.
I wonder how their children will be when they grow up.
'What kind of society are we living in?' I asked myself.
It was obvious they were not sincere or serious about adopting animals.
They were only there to exhibit their wealth and/or arrogance.
But who am I to reprimand or reproach them.
As a volunteer, I could only wish that no animals befall into their un-compassionate, unfeeling and indifferent hands.
I could not bear to allow that to happen to Sushi and Vicky.
Not my babies.
I was at my wits' end.
As I signed the papers at the clinic, my mind was so blank. I was numbed.
I didn't know what was happening.
It's like you're under so much pressure that your mind just conked out. I was like a zombie.
When the recep at the clinic looked at their details, Sushi 2yrs, Vicky 1 and the half years (I do not know their age, I merely put down the number of years I kept them) asked me, "May I ask why do you want to put them down? They're so young and healthy."
I looked at her and the tears just flowed.
I could not answer her. I could tell no one of my difficulties.
If I had a choice, I would not have done that.
My circumstances then didn't allow me.
Time was not on my side to think of any other options.
Putting them down, I felt, was the best and only option I was left with which will cause them the least suffering.
I wish I was practising meditation and had some knowledge of Dharma then.
I believe I would have handled my situation a lot better and not buckle under all that pain and pressure I was facing.
Those of you who know me know that I am an animal lover.
I love animals, especially dogs, since I was a child.
I would feed the strays in my neighbourhood. I would never hurt or harm them.
Yet now, I am putting my two babies down.
How ironical is that?
For so many years, I asked myself,
"Why hasn't the boomerang come back to punish me? Why so long?"
I suppose it already came back.
I just didn't 'see' it.
I am being punished.
By myself.
I've carried this with me for the past 10 years.
They say time will heal all wounds.
To me, all that I know is that this wound is still very raw and fresh.
Several times, I thought I've let it go. Forgiven myself.
But who am I kidding?
I was merely covering the wound with a band aid, a plaster.
I've always donated money to the SPCA.
The year of their death, even though I was dead broke, I still donated, this time in memory of them.
Even up to now.
I was a volunteer for the SPCA.
I chose to help out in the pound so that I can be close to the animals.
Especially the dogs.
I would take care of them, talk to them, keep their cages clean, clean up after them, play with them, cradle them, hug them, stroke them till they fall asleep.
In between, they always give me a free 'facial' with their tongues as well.
I don't mind the dirt, the stench or the drooling saliva.
It always makes me feel so happy.
But even that didn't ease the pain.
If it did, I would not be crying now as I write this.
For so many nights, I have cried.
For so many days, my tears just flowed.
There were times when I take walks in the park and the tears would just roll down my cheeks when I think of that day.
It was a horrible, awful thing which I did. Unforgivable.
And I make no excuses for it.
It was not just betrayal. It was murder.
I committed murder. I took 2 lives. The lives of 2 innocent, harmless, defenceless creatures who loved and trusted me. I was a murderer.
It doesn't matter what all you readers would think of me.
Hate me even, and I would say, "Please do."
Cos' perhaps that could help ease my pain, my guilt.
I am no angel.
I am not as great or fantastic as what some of you may perceive me to be.
I am just an ordinary human being who makes mistakes cos' she wants her family and loved ones to be happy.
One of my students commented that she's afraid of chicken pox because of the scars.
I suppose that's what most people are afraid of, too.
However, to me, physical scarring is nothing.
It's the mental and emotional scars which you carry with you for the rest of your life that's worst.
Likewise, just as I told a student and friend that it's easy to forgive others, and that it's easy for others to forgive you.
But to forgive yourself, that's the hardest.
I should know.
It's been 10 years and I've not forgiven myself.
There are many things I can let go of.
I can let go of all the hurt and pain that's inflicted upon me, I can let go and forgive all who hurt and treat me me badly, bearing no hate, resentment or grudges against them.
But this?
I can't. It's hard.
I can forgive others, but I can't forgive myself for this one mistake I made cos I've erred too deeply.
I blame no one for the difficulties which I was going through during that time which led me to my decision.
I bear full responsibility for it.
Now, I can only use The Buddha as my guide.
As the story goes, he was into ascetic practice, torturing and starving himself, hurting himself, his mind, his body.
Until one day, he decided that it's not working out.
And he started being kind and compassionate to himself.
That was when his 5 friends left him, thinking he has gone soft and not serious about his practice.
But it was because he was kind and compassionate and gentle to himself that's why he could achieve a deep meditation which led him to Enlightenment.
To Freedom.
The Buddha said that "there's no such thing as an unforgivable deed. Only lessons to be learned."
I supposed that's also why they also call him, 'The Compassionate One'.
"Acknowledge, Forgive, and Learn never to do it again."
So says The Buddha.
I've acknowledge my mistake.
I've learned from it and I never repeat it.
It's the middle part - forgive myself, which I could not do.
For 10 years, I've been punishing myself. Hating myself for being so 'weak' and useless that time. For being so poor.
Yet, I'm still suffering, in pain, full of guilt and remorse.
Does punishing myself, being harsh to myself work? Has it helped?
No, it does not.
It has not.
I know I should do what the Buddha did - the Middle Way. The Buddha Way.
Be kind and compassionate to myself.
It's just that at this moment, I can't. I don't know how.
The Buddha is the Enlighten One.
The Noble One.
Like I wrote in "Attachment vs Freedom" - "The Buddha's a Noble Man. Me? I'm not noble."
Will there ever come a day when I learn to be kind and compassionate to myself, my mind, my heart, and to forgive myself? I don't know.
But I hope I'll figure it out, someday, somehow ........
I suppose by now all of you would know what "Boomerang' means :
Karma - the good and wholesome, or the bad and unwholesome deeds that we do.
Please avoid making the stupid mistakes which I made,
especially that of hurting or harming any being.
I wish all well and happy.
To Sushi and Vicky :
Please know that 'jie jie' is so so so very sorry.
Wherever both of you are, I pray and wish that the Buddha's light will always shine and bless and protect and guide the two of you.
I Love You.
