As a kid, I was weak.
I would fall ill easily and frequently.
Fevers with temperatures that run outrageously high, and fits along with it were a common occurrence.
My family was poor.
We could not afford a doctor, much less go to the hospital.
All my mum could do was wrap me up in the thick blankets to sweat it out, and with a spoon nearby just in case, and then hoped that the temperature would go down and that I'll be fine.
As I grew up, my encounters with 'death' were of the road kind.
There were quite a few occasions where I was almost knocked down.
I admit some were due to my careless jaywalking, but there were also others when the light was in my favour, and the drivers were making illegal turns.
If cats have 9 lives, which of course they don't, I would probably outlived them.
When I became a working adult, I underwent an operation that reduced me to nothing but a bag of bones.
As one of my friends commented when we met, I 'look like a fishball on a stick'.
I became so scrawny that my head had become bigger than my body.
A gust of wind would have no problem sweeping me off my feet.
It takes a lot of determination and will power to hold myself down, and keep my two feet planted to the ground.
The pursuit of worldly pleasures and mundane happiness had left me with 2 growths which, according to the doctor, if not removed, would endanger my life.
He's a famous doctor.
I was ignorant of such things.
I believe him.
It was a simple operation which 'crippled' me.
My health took a turn for the worst.
I would wake up in the middle of the night with severe and sharp abdominal pains, vomiting blood once.
In addition, I suffered side effects from the medication prescribed.
Many times, I would feel breathless, and would be grasping for air, coupled with severe chest pains.
I felt like a fish on dry land, fighting for its life.
It's scary to go to sleep at night cos' I do not know if I'll wake up to see the dawn of light.
Giddiness and then blacking out the moment I got up from bed was a common affair.
I was practically bedridden most of the time cos' I have no strength.
I would pay huge amounts of money to wait for hours, together with others in a small waiting room, even though I'm 2-3 hours ahead of my scheduled appointed time, just to see him 1-5 mins.
Well, he is famous.
There's only enough time for 'hi', 'how are you' and 'bye'.
There's no taking of blood pressure or weight cos' that would take up too much time.
Ditto telling him of my symptoms cos' he's just not present.
Physically, he is.
But his mind is elsewhere in a land far far away.
And all he would attribute it to was 'stress' - to get me out of the room fast.
I supposed I talked too much and wasted too much precious time.
But I was not even working at that time.
I left my job just before the operation.
How stressful can resting at home and bedridden be?
That's when I left him, seek a second, and then a third opinion.
Overall, it was a very good experience.
And also a life-changing one.
Cos' after that I took about a year's break to recover, and allow myself to heal, naturally.
At the same time, I also tried to 'find' myself again.
I was 'lost'.
I used the time to be alone, rest, did physical yoga (which at that time, I didn't know what I was doing), build up my strength, take walks in the park which was hard cos' I could barely walk 100 steps, much less the whole park!
The minute I took a few steps, it was time for me to go home cos' I had neither the strength nor the energy, or the heart and lung capacity to carry on.
But I persevered.
I would take a few 'baby' steps, a day at a time.
I spent my time thinking, reflecting, asking and questioning, "Who am I?", "Why am I here?", "What is the purpose of life?", "Who is the 'real' me?" etc etc.
At that time, one of my friend lent me some Dhamma books, which I read with relish.
One was on Meditation.
I tried, and I realise I could do it.
I enjoyed it.
I loved it!
It was so strange.
I never knew I could meditate.
At that time, I didn't even know what meditation was.
Never heard of it.
We also attended talks by 2 monastics.
It helped me with my 'search' and understanding of life cause everything they said made sense.
I would try and remember as much as I can, and when I reached home, I would write them all down.
It helped me turn my life around.
And changed the way I look at things, at life.
I'm still with my 3rd doctor who charges reasonably, and who's clinic is very accessible to me.
I don't have to wait for hours, or be ahead of my scheduled appointed time.
I get to see him at my appointed time.
Blood pressure, weight etc are always done just to ensure I'm in the pink of health and that everything is fine.
There's always time for a short chit-chat as well.
"To all my freinds and loved one who were there for me during this difficult period : Thank You! For without your care, concern and support, I know it would have been very much harder for me.
So once again, Thank You!"
My latest encounter with death was in February 2006.
It was an allergy attack.
I had a similar attack a year before at the same place, although it wasn't as severe or life- threatening.
Then, it was just rashes on face, neck and back, bit of slurred speech, tightness of tongue and swelling of the lips.
This time round, I was not as lucky.
I felt the itch and discomfort in my throat half-way thru' the class.
My tongue felt hard and tight.
I could not move it freely.
But I continued teaching.
Big mistake.
At the end of the class, my entire body was covered with red angry rashes and bumps.
My speech was slurred.
I could not speak properly.
My heart was pounding very fast, and my breath shallow.
My palms and soles of my feet felt like they were covered with a thick layer of padding and very very swollen.
My lips were hot and puffy, my eyes inflamed.
My eyeballs felt like they were going to pop out any minute.
My throat was burning and very uncomfortable.
No air seems to be able to go in.
My stomach was doing somersaults.
As a matter of fact, the whole body felt like it was on high alert, in a state of emergency.
That's when I collapsed.
My assistant who was there, helped me.
Being the strong 'invincible' me, I recovered and struggled to the restroom.
That's where I collapsed a second time.
Luckily, one of the participants was there to help and support me.
But I supposed I must look bad enough for the guest who was inside to alert my assistant and another participant who were waiting outside, that I needed to go to the hospital.
As I lay cold, limp and lifeless, barely breathing, and with all my organs slowly shutting down on me, I was amazed that my mind / consciousness was very sharp, very clear.
It was very strange but I (not the physical body - it's almost half gone by now) was very awake, aware and alert about what was going on.
Such as :
1) how my assistant and the 2 participants were very worried and concerned.
2) how the security was also very concern - about how to write the report.
But I can understand.
Theirs was a six-star establishment that won countless service excellence awards and accolades.
Reports are very important.
And, in the words of the security who spoke through the walkie-talkie with the colleague, 'this is a complicated case, and getting an ambulance would be a problem cos' I was neither a hotel guest or staff. I was just a contract instructor'.
Poor dears.
I must have made things very hard for them that night.
3) How, in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, the medic tried again and again to get a reading of my blood pressure, but could not, because my blood pressure was so low it could not be detected.
It was a very interesting experience.
I remember while I was lying there, a thought crossed my mind : 'I don't want to die'.
Yet, at the same instant, I said to myself, "Let me (the ego) die."
I supposed I was tired.
Very tired.
I don't want to 'fight' anymore.
I just want to let go.
Did I die?
Unfortunately, no. I'm still very much alive and kicking today.
So sad ....
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"Subjected to change are all conditioned things.
Impermanence is the nature of all things.
The moment we are born, we're already dead.
When there's life, there will be death.
The moment things are formed, they're already broken.
It's only a matter of WHEN it happens."
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"The only thing that's permanent in life is Impermanence.
The only thing that's certain in life is Uncertainty.
Know, Understand, Realise and be AWAKEN."
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"What goes up will come down.
Whatever that comes along will go away,
Whatever that begins, too, will end."
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"To my assistant and the two members who stayed with me throughout the ordeal : Thank you. For staying with me, being there for me, and helping me. I am grateful and thankful to the 3 of you."
Once again Thank You. :)
